mbranesf (mbranesf) wrote,

  • Mood:

Illness. Seasonal depression. Failure ahoy!

Last Thursday afternoon, I was suddenly seized with an awful wave of feeling like hell and decroded crap, and I ended up napping for about three hours in the middle of the day, a thing I generally avoid. If I nap, the day is shot. I never fully recover wakefulness and the rest of the waking hours of the day are spent in a groggy and disoriented limbo. I was at the day job on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, feeling not great but not terrible either each day, with Sunday being marginally worse than Saturday. Yesterday (Monday) and today, I have felt out-and-out sick with chills and general all-over body pain. I wonder if it's the swine flu?  If so, I'm being spared symptoms like nausea and vomiting and death (so far). But it is worrisome just how long this is lasting. Generally anytime I feel ill, there is one really bad day and then it's over. 

Whatever this disease may be, its onset could not have happened at a worse time for my mental state. The weather here has been unrelentingly rainy and gray for weeks, and now it's also started being unseasonably cold. We didn't even get above the 60s F today, which I consider to be unpleasantly frigid even under the best circumstances, and entirely unbearable in my current condition. Unlike most people, I don't like the start of fall. I don't like anything about it. It's the second shittiest season of the year after winter.  The start of fall just means that summer is over and winter (the longest and shittiest season of the year at most American latitudes) is about to begin. I do not like the crispness in the air. I do not like the changing colors of the leaves. I do not like football, neither college, nor pro nor high school. I do not like the decreasing hours of daylight.  My grandma, who is in most ways a wise woman, always told me how much she appreciated "the four seasons" and wouldn't want to live in a place without them.  I love you, Grandma, but the four seasons can kiss my ass. Or at least fall and winter can, and that gross crappy part of spring where it seems like winter is over for a few days and then it snows again. 

I have plans that will hopefully keep me very busy and very active mentally during the coming months, through the cold dark seasons, through the tiresome progression through the goddamned winter holidays. I'm going to try not to succumb to depression and malaise this year. One major problem with all my plans, however, is that I have failed to do anything to change my stupid day job. I really can't hack it very much longer, but I don't see a way out. Back when I started this LJ, I set a 60 day deadline to get out of that nonsense. Those days have almost elapsed, and I have failed to find an alternative.  I'm not going to let it fuck with my mental state too badly, however. Fuck it. And fuck the fall season and the horse it rode in on, too.

Things I'm busy with between now and January 1: 
M-Brane SF: publication of issues #9-#12
Things We Are Not: Promotion and sales of it, due out 10/15
Other M-Brane Activities: continue planning for the Aether Age
Other M-Brane Activities: Two or three "secret projects" to be announced later
Personal writing: Finish first full draft of Shame (October)
Personal writing: Revise three or four short stories that have been needing it
Personal writing: NaNoWriMo all November
Blogging: Maintain my own sites as well as my participation with GreenPunk and Outer Alliance

Does that sound like a fairly full slate of Things to Do?  My goal is to be so deeply occupied with interesting activities that I will have no time to worry about the dreariness of the season. Suddenly it will be over, and I will be able to look back and be delighted with my incredible productivity. That's the plan anyway.

[Image is from Tom Coates Flickr gallery of the bizarre "red dust" phenomenon that blanketed Sydney today]

Tags: illness, nanowrimo, personal life, personal writing

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.